epic wins

Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.

- Ashleigh Brilliant

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

- Groucho Marx

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

- Oscar Wilde

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.

- Clarence Darrow

A modest little person, with much to be modest about.

- Winston Churchill

He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.

- William Faulkner

Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?

- Ernest Hemingway

He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

- Billy Wilder

It is not necesssary to understand things in order to argue about them.

- Caron de Beaumarchais

Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victems he intends to eat until he eats them.

- Samuel Butler

When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.

- Eric Hoffer

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

- Oscar Levant

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

- Vince Lombardi

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.

- Drew Carey

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

- Steven Wright

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

- Emo Philips

If at first you don't succeed, try something easier.

- Sarcasm Society

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

- Seinfeld

To err is human. To forgive for no good reason is plain stupid.

- Sarcasm Society

I don't know if God exists, but it would be better for His reputation if He didn't.

- Jules Renard

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

- Unknown

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

- Unknown

100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?

- Unknown

Sarcasm: A literary device for identifying the stupid.

- Sarcasm Society

Do something productive. Stop being yourself.

- Sarcasm Society

Strange as it may seem, my life is based on a true story.

- Ashleigh Brilliant

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.

- Ashleigh Brilliant

I can do only one thing at a time, but I can avoid doing many things simultaneously.

- Ashleigh Brilliant

A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually.

- Abba Eban

I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence.

- George Bernard Shaw

Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn't!

- George Bernard Shaw

The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast.

- Oscar Wilde

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

- Mark Twain

I never let schooling interfere with my education.

- Mark Twain

We have the best government that money can buy.

- Mark Twain

Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?

- Clarence Darrow

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.

- Clarence Darrow

People appreciate the little things that you do for them. And that is how you prevent them from asking you to do something big.

- Sarcasm Society

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