“Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.”
“If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.”
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
“A modest little person, with much to be modest about.”
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”
“Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?”
“He has Van Gogh's ear for music.”
“It is not necesssary to understand things in order to argue about them.”
“Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victems he intends to eat until he eats them.”
“When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.”
“Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.”
“We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.”
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”
“If at first you don't succeed, try something easier.”
“Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.”
“To err is human. To forgive for no good reason is plain stupid.”
“I don't know if God exists, but it would be better for His reputation if He didn't.”
“Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!”
“Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.”
“100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?”
“Sarcasm: A literary device for identifying the stupid.”
“Do something productive. Stop being yourself.”
“Strange as it may seem, my life is based on a true story.”
“To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.”
“I can do only one thing at a time, but I can avoid doing many things simultaneously.”
“A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually. ”
“I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence.”
“Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn't!”
“The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast.”
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
“I never let schooling interfere with my education.”
“We have the best government that money can buy.”
“Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?”
“When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.”
“People appreciate the little things that you do for them. And that is how you prevent them from asking you to do something big.”
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