Philophobia

It's weird, you know? When people come up to me and ask me "what's wrong?" and I reply "Nothing, why?" and they affirme "Well, you're all smily and stuff. You're in love aren't you?" I stay there, perplexed, with no answer to give and I wonder why they just asked me that. It's so obvious to them, but to you, it isn't. like I said, it's weird.
I have to admit, most of my friends have known me for over 3 years, they know me pretty well and they know that I'm not the kind of girl who falls in love. I just don't. it's not my type. I may have crushes once in a while, but they are like flues, that's how I like to see them. they hit me pretty hard, they come from nowhere, without warning but after a while, they are gone. and afterwards, it's like they were never there, gone, taken by the wind to a place that I will never ever penetrate. it happend a few times, three I think. that's how much they meant to me, so much that I can't even remember how many times it happened. but anyway, like I said, most of my friends, the close ones, have known me for about three years or more. and I still don't know how to react when they tell me things like "Oh Jen, it's amazing to see you like that. You're usually the one who listens and gives advices, the ones who sits there and has to listen to others' love -headaches, -stories, -complains. but now...now you're the one who talks, you're the one whose eyes glow everytime you mention it. you look so cute when you talk about him, you know?" and I just sit there, staring the empty and struggling with my inerself. "No, don't say that..don't say that." "But Jay, you have to face it. it's better that way. You have to face that you are falling in love." "But I don't want to! maybe if I just ignore it, it'll pass by me without saying a word, without getting too much into me. Maybe it's just a phase...Life is full of them; phases." "This is not a phase. maybe if it was me it was happening to, then maybe you could assume that. But no, it's you we are talking about. So, believe me when I tell: it's not a phase."
and believe it or not, it scares me. it scares the crap out of me and the worst part is that I can't show it. I can't show it to the world so it can share that weight with me. i'll have to carry it on, on my own, silently, and wait for it to go away. but when is it going to go away? huh? tell me, when? is it even going away? who says that it wont stay for a while to haunt me? I don't know that, nobody does actually. and not meaning to be rude or anything, I'd prefer this wasn't happening. because I don't want it, I didn't give those feelings a permission to attack me, armed to the sleeves with all kind of weapons. and while they attack me, I stand here, defenseless, while they keep on hitting me, and pinching me and doing whatever-it-is-that-I-don't-like to me.
I beg your pardon, I don't mean to act like a philofobic bitch or anything but the fact is that the way I'm heading right now is leading me to nowhere. I don't need to be a genius to figure that out. It's all about analizing body language and mutual actions.
You see, when I see you, I get chills. I don't know how to move, what face expression I should put on, if I should ignore you or not, if I should go up to you and tell you "Hi" or not.
When you say "hello", I get so overwhelmed by the feeling that I don't know what to do or say. Sometimes, I literally forget to reply. and I just stare at you for a few seconds, and then you smile. and then I melt.
Even when I don't want to see you, the high power doesn't really answer my prayers. no matter what, I see you. You're always there. last year, days went by and I didn't see your face. of course, then, it didn't bother me. because I didn't know you. you weren't interesting. but now is different. now you're interesting. now you make me feel this weird things in my stomach. I don't know what it is, but people talk about it all the time. wait, what was it called? oh yeah, butterflies.
It's amazing. Since I started talking to you and sharing things with you, I started remembering all those things I used to love. Songs, Sitcoms, Movies, Quotes ... Things I haven't heard/watch/read for ages and now that you came along, I remember them as if they had never left my memory. You forced me to dig in my past, allthough you were never present in it.
But I get mad at you, actually. You don't try, you really don't try. You say I'm amazing, my personality, blablablabla. and that you love talking to me. but words are just words anyway, right? You see me everyday at school but you don't come up to me to talk to me. I mean, when I think a person is amazing and our conversations are good, I go up to that person and I talk to that person. You see, it's not such a huge effort to do that. you could at least ask me out to go drink a coffee and talk about everything, anything. but you don't. I already tried; twice. but you always seem to have something to do. it's sad though, I never heard your laugh, I never talked to you in person for more than 5 minutes. except for the virtual conversations we had, I don't know you. But you just seem to be different. You just don't seem to have that need to talk to people who don't belong to your entourage. yeah, maybe you truly are different. or maybe you're just a liar.
But, basically, my conclusion to all this: it's nobody's fault. these feelings showed up for whatever reason it was and I guess I'll have to deal with them myself. I could talk to you, again, but I think that would be unfair to you. I mean, I don't want to pressure you or anything. even though your help would be welcome, I won't say a word to you. I guess it's best I keep on ignoring it and maybe, in a few weeks or so, it'll be gone. I guess that having a restraining order for feelings wouldn't be such a bad idea. but since that doesn't exist, I'll try to get over it on my own. Don't think that I'm trying to blame you for this. because I'm not. I get that you are handling with some hard things yourself. And I understand your feelings. So be gentle and understand mine.

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